by someone who’s been “catching ‘em all” since before Game Freak learned what “texture” means
Ah, Pokémon Legends: Z-A, the long-awaited sequel to Pokémon Legends: Arceus — or as the fans call it, Breath of the Wild with less breath and more lag. Nintendo promised us a bold reimagining of Lumiose City, a futuristic Pokémon utopia rebuilt from the ashes of Kalos. What we actually got was a tech demo that looks like someone spilled neon paint over X and Y and said, “Voilà, art direction!”
Graphics: The Nintendo Switch’s Retirement Home
The game opens with a sweeping panorama of Lumiose City — well, “sweeping” in the sense that the camera pans over five polygons and a building that’s still rendering. The city’s supposed to be this gleaming technological marvel, but it looks like a half-finished Sims 2 mod running on a toaster. Every NPC moves like they’re trapped in molasses, and the Pokémon still clip through the floor like it’s their natural habitat.
But hey, the lights are bright, and there’s bloom lighting everywhere, so you know it’s “futuristic.”
Gameplay: Now With 3% More Effort
You still sneak through grass, throw Poké Balls, and pray the game doesn’t freeze mid-catch. Combat? Slightly improved — if you consider “animations that now last two seconds instead of five” an improvement. They added “Z-moves” again, because apparently Game Freak’s idea of innovation is pulling random features out of old games and pretending they’re new.
The open-city design sounds cool, until you realize half the city is blocked by invisible walls and the other half is populated by NPCs repeating the same line about “urban harmony.” You’ll be exploring Lumiose’s dark alleys for side quests like “Catch a Trubbish near the recycling plant” — truly riveting stuff.
Story: Kalos Returns (Whether You Wanted It or Not)
The story involves a mysterious “urban regeneration project” led by some shady organization. Shocking twist: they’re evil. Who could’ve guessed? There’s a subplot about Mega Evolution returning, because nostalgia prints money, and a finale where you and your trusty Z-powered Pikachu save the city using “the power of bonds,” which I assume is Japanese for “the same ending every Pokémon game has had since 2001.”
Your rival is another cheerful sociopath with an “I believe in Pokémon!” speech every ten minutes, and the villain’s redemption arc lands with all the emotional weight of a Snorlax plush falling off a shelf.
Performance: Legends of Lag
In handheld mode, the frame rate performs an interpretive dance — one moment 30 FPS, the next moment a slideshow of Pikachu’s existential dread. Docked mode? Congratulations, now you can watch the lag in HD. Every time a battle starts, you can practically hear the Switch fan begging for retirement.
Maybe when it comes to PC in 2040, it’ll finally run properly.
Soundtrack: Rememberable in Spirit
The music slaps in theory — but half the time, it cuts out mid-battle or loops incorrectly. Lumiose’s jazz remix theme is genuinely great though; it’s the one thing that almost convinces you the rest of the game isn’t melting in your hands.
Final Thoughts
Pokémon Legends: Z-A is what happens when Game Freak says, “We heard your feedback,” and then proceeds to do the exact opposite, but with better lighting. It’s fun, sure — in that comfort-food way where you’re fully aware it’s junk but you eat it anyway. It’s still Pokémon, after all.
The franchise is like that old friend who always shows up late, forgets your birthday, but still somehow charms you into hanging out again.
Verdict: 6.5/10 — “Z” stands for “Zero optimization, Zero innovation, but hey, at least there’s Pikachu.”
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